WELL HAVE I GOT A DEAL FOR YOU!
I have a baby available to scream at you all afternoon and keep you occupied by trying to get him to take a nap he obviously needs. Comes with a kitchen empty of clean dishes but brimming with dirty ones. And also approximately 173648272 loads of laundry to do with as you wish! Throw it away for all I care!
Act now and I will throw in plenty of Legos to bruise the soles of your feet just like you always wanted!
I will sweeten the deal even further!
When not screaming, he is freakishly adorable and loves to read quietly!