Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thankful, every day

Day 20.  Thanksgiving scarf, worn with a brooch of Mom's as well.  The colors and shapes make me think of fall, and a plentiful variety of food!

I hesitate to make holiday-related posts to my blog.  They end up feeling forced, and I think they are uninteresting.

But I have been feeling a heightened sense of gratitude over the past few months, and this seems an appropriate time to share it.

I am blown away every day by how much I have in my life.  I have been to the depths of despair, and people lifted me up and helped me dust myself off.  I come from a single-parent household turned shattered home.  I felt like a nomad in high school.  Homeless.  A squatter.  There was drama and difficulty and pain and lots of water under family bridges.  I often felt lost and like every break from school was a black hole.

And yet I now find myself surrounded by wonderful friends (both online and off!) and a wonderful family (some related by blood, some by law, and some by choice).  I am married to an incredible man - who is nothing I envisioned myself marrying, but I sure am glad I did anyway!  And I have two little boys who keep me on my toes, hold a mirror to my values and actions daily, and ensure that not only will I keep growing, but I will discover periodically that I haven't grown up as much as I thought (no, I am still confronted with the same stubbornness, temper, and resolve that I struggled with as a young child...)

Thinking about the journey of my life, and quite a bit about my mother and her role in my life, I have been feeling mostly gratitude for her.  I have felt sadness over my children not meeting her, of course.  But mostly I am so grateful that she is my mother.  (Not "was" my mother - she will always be my mother in the present tense.)  She laid a groundwork of values and self-respect and relationships. 

In reflecting on the short time she was given, I am grateful for the ways in which she set me up for life.  It is also clear to me how important I am as a mother, and that all this hard work raising young children will pay off.

So I am, today, grateful for my mother's thirteen years of guidance.  I am grateful for all the friends and family who saw me through her loss, and to every one that now sees me through motherhood without her.  I am grateful to my children for giving me a chance to heal old wounds (even if this is sometimes done by ripping them open...) and for not allowing me to become too set in my ways (in particular, Bean sure does keep my problem-solving skills sharp!).

And, I cannot lie, I am grateful for simultaneous naptimes.

P.S.  I will make another scarf-a-day post soon!  There are several more scarves to wear.
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