Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Dark Cloud

Photo Credit

Today I cried twice in a podiatrist's office, once in a dentist's office, and almost continuously for about 20 minutes in the arms of Bean's P.E. teacher.

Today I realized:
1) that I have reached my breaking point (thank goodness I have a counseling appointment already scheduled for tomorrow)
2) how much I miss Bloomington and my friends there.  I feel very alone, isolated, and a little lost here in Albuquerque right now.
3) that Bean's P.E. teacher is even more amazing than I had previously thought (which is saying something, since I was already so impressed with this woman's energy and commitment to her students).  She helped me feel a lot less alone, isolated, and lost and I am grateful for the sense that someone local who sees me on a regular basis will know to check just under my smiling veneer.
4) that nitrous oxide works on more than just physical pain and has fewer side effects than alcohol.

A couple days ago, I had my husband block Facebook from our router.  I was finding myself staring at Facebook and making myself feel bad about all kinds of things, and I needed to step away.  Facebook is such a great tool for connecting with my friends, but I need - at least temporarily - to have a harder time accessing it because I seem to be a glutton for punishment on there, seeking out others' happiness and successes so I can wallow in my current misfortunes, stressors, frustrations, and sadness. And that is neither healthy nor how I choose to face a difficult time in my life. 

I have journalled a little over the past few days and am right this minute pondering whether this writing belongs in my journal rather than my blog - but I do need to reach out.  Cutting myself off from Facebook, my blog, etc while I am a thousand miles from the people who usually give me in-person support in various ways seems a terrible idea. 

Sorry I'm vague, Blogland.  I'm still sorting out what is mine to share on the internet - and what I even want to share on the internet.  Two more months until this year - unlucky '13 - is over.  I don't often pull out the curse words on this blog, but fuck this year.  2013 is an asshole.

I can say that I have yet to really run in 2013.  A year without a runner's high.  Hell, a year without hiking.  A year without going for a walk with my family that didn't end with me icing some part of my body.  A year of being chained to a gym if I wanted any exercise (p.s. my hatred for swimming has grown by leaps and bounds.  A year ago, it was a mere dislike.  Currently, I think I'd rather sit on the couch eating Bon-Bons, and that is totally unlike me!  The stationary bikes are not far behind.).  Add a move across the country, family stress, illness, an unexpected death that I am still trying to wrap my head around and it's a year of needing to cope and lacking one of my greatest coping techniques.

I regularly focus on what is going well, the ways in which I am blessed, and all the things for which I am thankful.  But today that just wasn't enough.  Today apparently required lots of tears in embarrassingly public situations.  And nitrous oxide.
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