Today I cried twice in a podiatrist's office, once in a dentist's office, and almost continuously for about 20 minutes in the arms of Bean's P.E. teacher.
Today I realized:
1) that I have reached my breaking point (thank goodness I have a counseling appointment already scheduled for tomorrow)
2) how much I miss Bloomington and my friends there. I feel very alone, isolated, and a little lost here in Albuquerque right now.
3) that Bean's P.E. teacher is even more amazing than I had previously thought (which is saying something, since I was already so impressed with this woman's energy and commitment to her students). She helped me feel a lot less alone, isolated, and lost and I am grateful for the sense that someone local who sees me on a regular basis will know to check just under my smiling veneer.
4) that nitrous oxide works on more than just physical pain and has fewer side effects than alcohol.
A couple days ago, I had my husband block Facebook from our router. I was finding myself staring at Facebook and making myself feel bad about all kinds of things, and I needed to step away. Facebook is such a great tool for connecting with my friends, but I need - at least temporarily - to have a harder time accessing it because I seem to be a glutton for punishment on there, seeking out others' happiness and successes so I can wallow in my current misfortunes, stressors, frustrations, and sadness. And that is neither healthy nor how I choose to face a difficult time in my life.
I have journalled a little over the past few days and am right this minute pondering whether this writing belongs in my journal rather than my blog - but I do need to reach out. Cutting myself off from Facebook, my blog, etc while I am a thousand miles from the people who usually give me in-person support in various ways seems a terrible idea.
Sorry I'm vague, Blogland. I'm still sorting out what is mine to share on the internet - and what I even want to share on the internet. Two more months until this year - unlucky '13 - is over. I don't often pull out the curse words on this blog, but fuck this year. 2013 is an asshole.
I can say that I have yet to really run in 2013. A year without a runner's high. Hell, a year without hiking. A year without going for a walk with my family that didn't end with me icing some part of my body. A year of being chained to a gym if I wanted any exercise (p.s. my hatred for swimming has grown by leaps and bounds. A year ago, it was a mere dislike. Currently, I think I'd rather sit on the couch eating Bon-Bons, and that is totally unlike me! The stationary bikes are not far behind.). Add a move across the country, family stress, illness, an unexpected death that I am still trying to wrap my head around and it's a year of needing to cope and lacking one of my greatest coping techniques.
I regularly focus on what is going well, the ways in which I am blessed, and all the things for which I am thankful. But today that just wasn't enough. Today apparently required lots of tears in embarrassingly public situations. And nitrous oxide.